Therapy for Relationship Challenges
— for Individuals & Couples
Relationships are central to our wellbeing — and they're a common reason people seek therapy. Much of the therapeutic work happens individually: understanding your patterns, navigating a difficult dynamic, rebuilding after betrayal, or finding your way through a separation. South Yarra Psychology offers individual therapy for relationship concerns, as well as couples therapy.
On this page:
Attachment styles
Many people are steady and confident with friends and colleagues, yet anxious, guarded or reactive with a partner — and wonder why. Intimate relationships activate our attachment system in a way other relationships typically don't: the closeness and the stakes reach the templates we formed in our earliest relationships with our caregivers. Depending on those templates that developed in early life, closeness can feel safe, or it can trigger worry about being left (an anxious pattern), a tendency to create distance when a partner gets closer (an avoidant pattern), or a confusing mix of both. These patterns aren't flaws — they were adaptations — and they can change. Therapy can help you recognise your pattern, understand where it came from, respond differently when it's activated and even heal the early attachment wounds that sit beneath it.
Navigating conflict
Conflict itself doesn't predict relationship breakdown — how couples handle it does. Well-known relationship researcher Dr John Gottman has identified four conflict patterns (known as the Four Horsemen):
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Criticism — attacking the person rather than maintaining focus on the issue
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Contempt — eye-rolling, mockery, superiority (in Gottman's research this was the strongest single predictor of separation)
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Defensiveness — responding to a partner's concerns with a counter-attack or excuse
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Stonewalling — shutting down and withdrawing mid-conflict
Does conflict style matter?
Significant research found that how couples handled a single conflict conversation distinguished those who later divorced with 93% accuracy — and couples whose conflict was dominated by the patterns described above divorced earliest, on average around 5–6 years after getting married. Notably, there was a second, quieter path: couples who had become emotionally disengaged — little interest, affection or humour left, even without open hostility — tended to divorce much later, on average around 16 years in. These are patterns across research samples rather than destiny for any one couple; the point is that these habits are consequential — and changeable.
The good news is that each of the conflict styles noted above has an antidote — raising issues gently and respectfully, building a culture of appreciation in the relationship, taking responsibility for your part, and learning to self-regulate distress and take breaks before emotional flooding takes over — and these skills can be learned, in couples work or individually.
When chemistry fades
The intense chemistry of early love — the preoccupation, the ease, the certainty, the excitement — is real, and it is also temporary: for most couples it naturally subsides somewhere in the first one to three years, giving way to a quieter, deeper form of connection. This shift often becomes noticeable at commitment points — moving in together, buying a home, engagement, marriage, a first child — partly because these milestones invite the question "is this right?", and partly because they add real stressors: finances, families, the division of labour, and (with a baby) profound sleep deprivation. Research suggests relationship satisfaction commonly dips in the years after a first child. None of this means the relationship is wrong — but it can be disorienting, and it's a common and productive time to seek support.
The mental load
The mental load is the invisible work of running a life together: anticipating what's needed, planning, remembering, monitoring, delegating — the project management of a household, on top of the tasks themselves. It's often carried unevenly, frequently invisibly, and it breeds a particular kind of exhaustion and resentment that can leak into conflict, distance and desire — a resentment that's usually less about the tasks themselves than about what the imbalance represents: a responsibility that belongs to both partners, which is disproportionately tended to by one. Naming the mental load — and renegotiating it explicitly — can be a turning point, in couples work and in individual therapy.
Sexual challenges
Sexual difficulties are common, often not talked about, and typically workable. Partners frequently differ in desire — and desire itself works differently between people: for many, it's responsive (arising after connection and touch begin) rather than spontaneous, which is normal rather than a problem. Libido and sexual responsiveness are also affected by stress, fatigue, mental health (including depression and anxiety), some medications, hormonal changes, pain and physical health — so what looks like a relationship problem can be a wellbeing problem, and vice versa. Where physical factors may be involved, a GP review is worth pairing with therapy. Therapy provides a space to untangle what you're experiencing, work on contributing factors and rebuild intimacy.
Betrayal, infidelity and broken trust
Betrayal takes more forms than infidelity — secret debts or financial decisions, disclosing personal information outside the relationship, siding with family against a partner, or hidden behaviour of any kind. Discovery can feel genuinely traumatic: many people describe shock, intrusive thoughts and a hypervigilance that has them checking and re-checking — alongside anger, resentment, and an understandable retreat from closeness and desire. Where both partners want to rebuild, therapy can hold that process — the honest accounting, understanding how the betrayal happened, and the paced re-earning of trust. Where trust can't be rebuilt, therapy helps you process what happened and supports you as you decide what you want next.
When a relationship ends
Separation is one of life's most stressful experiences — grief for the relationship and the future you'd planned, identity shifts, and often a cascade of practical pressures, all at once. Therapy can help you process the loss, manage the overwhelm, understand what happened (including your own patterns, without harsh self-blame), and — where children are involved — support steady co-parenting through the transition.
Couples therapy
When you'd rather work on the relationship together, couples therapy provides a structured space to understand the patterns between you — the recurring argument that never resolves, the distance that has crept in, the trust that needs repairing — and to build new ways of connecting. Our psychologists who offer couples therapy draw on evidence-based approaches.
One important exception: where there is violence, intimidation or fear in a relationship, couples therapy is generally not recommended — bringing both partners into the room can escalate risk and make it unsafe to speak honestly. In that situation, individual support is the safer path. If you're affected by family violence, 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) provides confidential 24/7 support.
Our psychologists who work with relationships
Relationship concerns are core work across our team in individual therapy. Meet our psychologists, or use our free 10-minute matching call with our principal psychologist to help find the right fit.
Couples therapy is available with Assoc. Prof. Terence Bartholomew.
Frequently Asked Questions
Do you offer couples therapy?
Yes — couples therapy is available at South Yarra Psychology, drawing on evidence-based approaches. Availability varies, so booking ahead is recommended.
Can I work on relationship issues in individual therapy?
Yes — much of our relationship work happens in individual therapy: understanding your patterns, changing your side of the dynamic, deciding what you want, or processing a separation. You don't need your partner to participate for therapy to help.
Are Medicare rebates available for couples therapy?
No — Medicare rebates only apply to individual therapy (with a GP referral and Mental Health Treatment Plan), but not to relationship counselling as a couple. Couples sessions are private-fee, and some private health funds contribute (check your policy for details).
Can our couples therapist also see one of us individually?
It's generally considered best practice for a couples therapist to work only with the couple — in couples therapy, the relationship itself is the client, and seeing one partner individually can compromise that balance. Where individual therapy would help alongside couples work, it's best done with a different therapist — which we can arrange within the practice.
Should I attend individual therapy or couples therapy for my relationship challenges?
Both can help — the right starting point depends on your situation. Couples therapy tends to fit when you both want to work on the relationship together: the patterns between you, communication, rebuilding trust. Individual therapy tends to fit when you want to understand your own side of the dynamic first, when the difficulties extend beyond the relationship (for example anxiety, self-esteem, or patterns from your history), when you're privately deciding what you want — including whether to stay — or when your partner isn't willing or able to take part. The two aren't mutually exclusive: some couples do individual and couple therapy at the same time, with different therapists. If you're unsure, our free 10-minute matching call can help you decide where to start.
What if my partner doesn't want to attend couples therapy?
This is common — and it doesn't mean nothing can change. A relationship is a system: when one person changes their side of the dynamic — their responses, communication, boundaries — the dynamic itself can shift. Individual therapy gives you a place to understand the patterns, work on your part in them, get support with the strain, and clarify what you want. It's also worth knowing that pressuring a reluctant partner may not help matters, though some partners do become open to therapy later, once they see change or feel less blamed by the invitation. Either way, your progress doesn't need to wait for your partner's readiness.
Can couples therapy help if we're separating?
Yes — some couples see a relationship therapist specifically to help navigate separation: helping make the decision carefully, separating respectfully, and building the foundation for co-parenting where children are involved.
What if there is violence in my relationship?
Couples therapy is generally not recommended where there is violence or other abuse, as it can increase risk. Individual therapy is the safer path, and specialist help can be accessed alongside this: 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732, available 24/7).
Fees & Medicare rebates
For individual therapy, Medicare rebates of $101.55–$149.05 per appointment apply with a GP referral and Mental Health Treatment Plan. Couples therapy is not covered by Medicare — appointments are private-fee (some private health funds contribute; check your policy).
Ready to take the first step?
Book online any time, or start with a free 10-minute psychologist matching call — you're welcome to book directly without one. Prefer to talk? Call reception on 03 9804 5448 (Mon–Fri, 8.45am–5.15pm).